Baby Speed

These days pregnancy has been teaching me a thing or two about the speed of life. While having a small son has kept me closer to home, I still tend to accomplish quite a bit in a day. Now with baby sister on the way and an incurable back pain that's due to last until she comes, things have changed a bit. While I can still do most things, they take me much longer and I can't do near as much in a day.

For starters, Mommy can't always carry Junior up to his room or to the potty or the car. That means he has had to learn how to obey when I ask him to come or hold his hand and lead him somewhere. He's still not perfect at his, and getting childcare tasks done takes longer, but it's great training for being an older brother and being obedient in general.

Then there's the issue of housework. Sweeping, cooking, laundry and grocery shopping all involve some element of back-strain which I never really noticed before. I do now! So I make a week-long plan of what I can accomplish on each day to make sure the house gets cared for and I can pace myself to the limitations of my back. This means more discipline for me. I really do have to stick to the plan or I won't be able to keep on top of everything. Making it up later isn't really a great option right now.

So that means less going and doing the 'fun' stuff. I hate to say 'no' to a weekend away with friends or a trip to the pumpkin patch, but the fact is that I can't handle those things right now. It's back to the basics. It's a little frustrating because I know that once the baby comes I'll be more bound to home anyway. I was really hoping to enjoy the freedom of my son's one-nap schedule, but we're not so fancy-free as I would like.

And then there are those delicious moments when my husband is home. Fortunately, he is wonderful and willing to help by bringing me things or taking our son potty for me or lifting heavy things for me and gives my back a needed break on the weekends. Unfortunately, this means less 'us' time and slower progress on 'his' projects.

So what's the point of my woe? Learning, of course! Parenting has this delicious way of pulling out our selfishness and helping us mature. I have to slow down. I have to accept my limits. I have to ask for help. Grr. I have to be humble.

As I am training our 19 month old to do more on his own, I am seeing a lot of benefits. He is getting better training on obedience because he has so many opportunities to practice it when I don't pick him up and essentially obey for him. He has actually become quite helpful, throwing things in the trash for me or picking things up off the ground that are hard to reach.

And surely my husband is learning a lot about "respecting the wife as the weaker vessel" as he takes on so many of 'my' jobs on the weekends and after work. Practice at selflessness always does people good (though he is already quite good at it, in my opinion).

So, am I in a position to give any advice? Well, life isn't always easy when you're limited, but slowing down brings into focus a lot of rich moments. If you take a moment to just notice how much your husband does for you or talk your kids through accomplishing a task you might normally do for them, you might gain a new appreciation for your family too.

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Keeping Up with your Toddler: Why It Matters

OK, I admit it. My 17 month old has a million times more energy than his pregnant and often tired mom. There are usually at least 3 times during the day when I look at the clock and wish that nap or bed was just a little closer. There are games to play, books to read, meals to prepare, feed and clean up, potty times to manage, a house to keep up, and rules to enforce. Walking sure makes that last one a lot more time consuming!

Oh, but it is worth it to stay on top of the rules! Consistency in discipline is where a parent's power lies. If Junior gets away with playing with the dishwasher knobs just once because you're too tired to walk over there and enforce the "no" you just issued, your "no" just became weaker. You don't want that. A child who obeys Mom's verbal direction is a child who can be a joy. There are lots of years before this child is going to be out on his own.

I find myself sometimes being tempted to slip on this one. It would be so much easier to let him just fiddle with the knob. The dishwasher isn't on right now. But what about when it is and he messes it up next time? Or what about when you're out in public or at Grandma's house and he doesn't think Mom's "no" holds any water? Then you have to pay for taking the easy road earlier.

Now it's not that you have to say "no" to your dishwasher knobs. That's not the important part. Every parent will choose different rules. It is wise to think about how allowing or prohibiting something is going to play out when Junior is a little bigger and smarter, but what you choose to allow or prohibit really isn't the main thing. The main thing is that when you say "no," you follow through. For us that means a smack on the hand if the thing is touched anyway and being removed from the temptation for a minute or so if it's touched again. The punishment could be different for you. Again, the main thing is that you consistently apply the rule. Junior shouldn't haven any surprises.

Oh, you know this already, don't you? But it's hard! That kid's got so much energy and is so curious about everything (especially the off-limits stuff!). But keep up! You'll be so glad later when you have a child who obeys. I have seen just wonderful children in grocery stores who are helping and obeying. I know it's possible, but I also know it's not natural. Those Moms have worked hard to train their children.

Now, I know this sounds kind of cold. "Discipline." "Train." "Get them to obey." But it is actually a really kind thing for a parent to do. The Bible says "the Lord disciplines those he loves" (Proverbs 3:12). Toddlerwise reminds us that teaching obedience and order is training the "habits of the heart." The child who is accustomed to trusting Mom and Dad's word and complying will be a child whose heart is ready for obedience to the Lord. A selfish, self-willed person will have no end of trouble in life. A person who can obey and consider others will excel and enjoy life much more easily. Teaching our children obedience is giving them a wonderful gift.

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Where Does Your Strength Come from?

Being a momma is hard work. It's hard on the body from morning sickness to aching backs. Sometimes the mind whirs to figure out the best schedule or do 5 things at once without messing one of them up. Then there is the emotional agony of watching someone you love so much cry and not being able to fix everything for him. Even the strongest mother is bound to run out of strength for the day sometimes.

But I love the promise in scripture, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength" (Isaiah 40:31).  How often I need that sweet strength renewal!  But the best part isn't even the strength that comes from the Lord, it is the sweet intimacy of waiting UPON the Lord.  I used to think that meant waiting for the Lord, and I suppose it does.  But it also means resting my head on his chest, just like my son does before his nap, and gaining the strength I need for today's trials from Him.

Some of my favorite ways to wait UPON the Lord are:

*Reading the Bible:  My husband is so diligent with this, waking up at 5AM to spend an hour with the Lord before the day begins.  He is such an inspiration.  I usually read during my 14 month old's morning nap.  I read a few verses then pause and pray, processing with the Lord what I've read and how it applies to my life. I find this is a great way to build intimacy with God.  I usually do find much more strength (especially emotional strength) to be an excellent mother rather than just get through the day after my time with the Lord.

*Praying during the difficulty:  When my son can't settle for a nap or misses the potty or has no interest in any food I offer him aside from possibly dropping it, I get to the end of my rope fast.  It is so helpful to pause for a few seconds, close my eyes, and ask God to help me behave as He would have me.

*Praying together:  My husband and I pray together each night before bed.  It is so good to discuss our struggles and then pray for one another.  This helps me see beyond my own world into his.  Being prayed FOR is also so refreshing and helps me to let God wrap his arms around me.

*Get outside:  Especially now that it's Spring, God's beautiful handiwork is so evident in the great outdoors.  I try to take at least a short walk each day with my son so that I can reflect on how God causes things to grow without any worrying on the flower's part.

Surely there are other ways to connect with our Maker and wait UPON Him as we go through our days, but those are just some of my favorites right now.

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Progress is a Spiral

"Woops!  I thought we had mastered the potty."  "Oh no, I thought you knew not to touch the fan!"  "What, we're having problems with the afternoon nap now?  I thought I had that down!"  "Hello?  You liked green beans yesterday!"

Unfortunately for mothers everywhere, children progress in a spiral.  Things get better, then worse, then better, then worse.  The same lessons must be repeated time and time again.  It can really try one's patience!

My mother once told me "parenting will mature you, if you let it."  That progressive spiral can be a wonderful patience builder.... or it can be very discouraging.  It all depends on how I choose to deal with the regressions that will inevitably come.  I am sometimes tempted to throw up my hands in frustration and proclaim that I'll never get it right and I just can't do this anymore.  But of course I will wake up tomorrow and still be the mother.  But what kind of a mother will I be?

Cheerfulness is essential in the development of patience.  When Junior has an potty accident even though he's had many clean and dry days, how will I respond?  Well, of course I will clean it up.  That's not what defines my action as patient.  Of course, I will tell him that he knows better, and this is not how we do things.  But what will my tone be?  Will I be cheerful, truly believing that he can do better?  Or will I be grouchy, feeling despondent about whether this will ever be fully mastered?

It takes work to develop cheerful, patient endurance.  It doesn't come naturally, even to the most loving mother.  It is frustrating to be cleaning the same messes and teaching the same lessons over and over again.  But this common, everyday trial is the one God chose to refine me.  How much better if I joyfully submit to the refining fire?

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Look!

It can be very tempting, in the midst of your current parenting challenges, to forget to stop and take a look around. So here's a reminder: Stop and ....

1. Look behind: OK, I have a confession. I'm a perfectionist. And, well, as a mom, that means I almost always have a "pet project of perfection." That also can morph into my "pet stressor." I tend to think "If I could just get him to __________ (nap perfectly / always obey / master the potty etc.), life would be great." That leaves me feeling a little like a failure most of the time, which is a shame because I get a lot of things right! It can be good for me to look back and remember how I helped him learn to drink from a bottle, sleep through the night, leave electrical cords alone, and keep his finger food on the highchair tray. Looking back can be very encouraging!

Another kind of looking back that I love is watching my little sister and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law navigating the newlywed, engagement, and dating phases of life. It is fun to watch their excitement and remember when my husband and I were there. New love is a sweet thing. So is the mature love that we're growing into, but sometimes parenting can get in the way of that. There is a temptation to turn my attention from husband to baby. He's the 'new thing' now. He's cuddly and cute. But, oh, remember when my husband was the 'new thing'! His kindness and great personality and history and dreams and accomplishments were so fun to discover.... and they're still there! I actually get to enjoy them a lot more now, so long as I remember to take the opportunity!

2. Look Around: When I look back in the photo album, it also reminds me how fleeting the days of parenting are. The changes are big and constant and there's no rewind button. I try to make time for playing with my son down on the floor at his level. He is my little buddy, and I love it! He is cheerful, active, curious, mechanical, and just plain fun! While the housework does need to be done, and I do have "learning goals" like Independent Playtime, Reading time, and Blanket time for him each day, I don't want to be so goal oriented that I forget to enjoy him. One of the great things about having a kid is that you get to resurrect your own inner child... and I would hate to miss out on the fun!

Write it Down

Parenting is a big task.  There won't be a 'finished product' for a few years yet.  How are you doing?  It's hard to say a lot of the time, isn't it?  In the midst of enforcing the rules, making meals, feeding, cleaning, wiping, loving, putting down for naps, supervising play, and all the rest it can be hard to really know how things are going.  There aren't any performance reviews.  While no one is asking you to write things down, it can really help in a lot of ways;

1.  Goals:  

My husband is always making and evaluating goals in his corporate job.  When we got married he wanted to make goals for our first year of marriage and I thought it seemed a little silly... but then when the year was over and we looked them over, it was really nice to be able to see how we had focused our energies on certain areas.  We had achieved a fair number of our goals, and our lives were moving along the way we hoped.  I know you can't control life by setting goals, but it can help you focus your energy on what's important to you rather than just floating along letting life happen to you.

Let Him Lead

A common complaint of many wives is that "He won't lead." Whether that applies to spiritual leadership, initiating dates, or disciplining the kids, it's bound to contribute to an unhappy marriage. Mom feels like a lot is on her shoulders, and Dad feels... what?

I'll bet he feels disrespected and pushed out of the family a little. I'll bet that Mom has a little bit of a role to play in this "he won't lead" problem. I'll bet she has a hard time following.

Parental Persistence

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We have a culture of pushover parenting.  Don't believe me?  Look in the supermarket, where three-year-olds are often given treats to keep them from misbehaving.  Look at exhausted parents eyes, which have so many lines under them because Junior kept them up half the night tossing and turning in Mom and Dad's bed.  And look at the parenting magazines, which tell us that we must, at all costs, preserve our child's self esteem, even if he's a spoiled brat.  Everywhere we look, parents are trying to be their kid's friends.

Maybe we've forgotten that when becoming a parent means that we are responsible.  We are the authority.  That little baby came into the world without a clue how to fall asleep in his own bed, or obey Mom's "don't touch," or be kind.  He won't learn those things if someone doesn't teach him.

Heirs Together

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How's your "to do" list looking?  Is it pretty full?  Do you find yourself often on the edge of exhaustion from all the busyness?  If so, you're not alone!  We seem to have a cult of busyness in our society.  We pack our schedules full of errands, lunches with friends, bible studies, volunteering, classes for the kids, and a million other things that all sound pretty noble.

But at the end of the day, we collapse into bed without having made a connection with the most important person in our lives.  "Many husbands and wives are running circles around each other, seldom meeting in the middle" (Created to Be His Help Meet p. 280).  That means that husband and wife are left more or less alone.

One-Year-Old Routine

That first birthday is a big milestone!  It marks the end of babyhood, and the beginning of all things toddler.  After returning from a week away with my husband to our son's first birthday, I am very aware of the transition.  Junior is growing up!

 

In preperation ntr this new phase, I am reading Toddlerwise, which has some great suggestions for how to build a schedule for your one-year-old that will help him navigate these changes.  The authors suggest beginning by making a list of your goals for your child.  Then write out the fixed things in the day, like meals and naps, and fill in the rest of the schedule with activities that will allow Junior a chance to grow toward those goals.